Infuriating Funniness!!

So, here we go again.  True to form, it's been months since my last blog.  My impatience is wearing on me.  Why do I continue to do the things I do?  More rather, why do I NOT DO the things I NEED TO DO?!  My lack of belief in myself is taxing!

One of my last drawings was that of a friends pugs, sisters to be exact.  It was a piece that I couldn't wait to get started on! I mean, it came right after my pastel of 'The Thinker', when my beliefs in my artistic abilities were at their peak.  Only a few times in my life have I ever felt I could draw absolutely anything and now was one of those times.  I was primed and ready to dive in and get rolling!  Before any pencil stroke hit the paper, before any pencil was sharpened, before I even chose which piece of paper I'd use, I was determined to make this my signature piece.  I wanted this one to be the one that I was most proud of (and that doesn't happen very often).  I wanted this one to have my name written ALL over it.  

Let's get started!  Hmmmmm..., uhhh?  Well... that's odd.  That's weird.  That's VERY weird!  Somethings not right?  I don't get it.., wait!  WHAT THE HECK?!?!   ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?! 

The disdain and contempt for the all elusive pug drawing erupted into a modern day Mt. Vesuvius!  I hate this!!  Why can't I draw?!  From the very first stroke of the pencil, until the very last curve of my signature at the bottom right-hand corner, this drawing was a test of my patience.  Usually, drawing feels so natural, so a part of me.  The pencil feels so right, like an extension of my hand.  This time, for some reason, everything felt different.  The pencil, or should I say the pencil(s), just didn't feel right.  The strokes felt pushed, forced, not natural at all.  Many times I'd stop and look at them, examining them closely.  They were the same pencils I'd used the the past.  None of them were new!  It must be the paper, yet it came from the same tablet that I've used before.  WHAT'S GOING ON?!?!  Never in my life had something felt so unnatural as it did.  I struggled and I pushed.  I cursed and I swore.  I'd push the drawing aside, promising not to continue with this infuriating funniness.  Still, whether it was a day or two that had past or just a few hours, I'd feel the urge to pick it back up, to push myself to finish, because after all, this is what I do.  This is all I CAN do.  I draw.  

Finally..., the drawing, rightfully titled 'Sisters', was completed.  And yes, it has become my signature drawing.  It's the best work that I've produced up to this point in my life.  Why did I have so many problems?  Why so many struggles?  I'm still not sure what the true meaning was or is, but maybe it was just to show me that with a little patience, with a little perseverance, with just a little more belief in myself, all I have to do is buckle down, drive hard and all the strokes will fall into place.  

'Sister' - 11" x 14" Pencil

No more stinkin' thinkin'!

How appropriate that my first completed drawing of the new year is that of "The Thinker".  I spend a lot of time thinking.  Mostly a lot of "what if" thinking.  What if I had done this instead of that, when I was younger?  What if I had studied harder in school?  What if I had turned left instead of right?  What if...,  well, you get the picture.  I'm sure most of us do the same thing.  And I'm sure most people act on those "what if's" and actually make a difference in their lives, right?  Me?  I'm a thinker.  And much like "The Thinker", which is made of bronze and marble, I've been grounded, stuck in that same crouched position, hand to the chin, right elbow to the left knee, in meditation, battling with powerful internal struggles.  Yep, that's me, internal struggles abound!  But why does that have to be?  For years, that's all I ever did, "think".  But I have decided that 2012 is the year to "act".  The past is done. It's over! There's absolutely nothing I can do to change it.  All I have is the present and the future to build on and time marches on.  But why this year, why the change?  As mentioned in my previous blog, "Why George..., you're worth more died than alive", I finally came to the realization that as an artist, as a person, I do have worth.  This worth is not exactly the worth that I had expected or planned while doing all this thinking, but it is a worth none-the-less.  Because of this newly discovered virtue, a world of opportunities have presented themselves to me.  The winds of change are approaching.  It's time to pack my bags and climb aboard that little engine that could.  I've now firmly placed my hands upon my knees, leaned forward, pressed myself into an upright position, knees creaking in revolt, raised my out stretched arms and vehemently said, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can!"